{UAH} TO MARRY OR INTER MARRY
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Marrying From the `Wrong` Tribe Kampala, Mar 26, 2007 (New Vision/All Africa Global Media) -- MARRYING someone from a different culture obviously presents compatibility issues. But that is not the only reason people of different tribes have been faced with the wrath of their families when they have decided to get married. SOMEWHERE in Kampala, a father has put up a map in his house. It`s a map of Uganda, defining the regions from which his three daughters can accept marriage proposals. "Daddy will not let any of us marry someone from beyond the River Nile to the east and River Kafu north of Kampala," laments Fiona. For the moment, she is concealing an affair with a man across the restricted line. She plans to announce her engagement in a few months, although she is aware that she will meet stiff resistance from the "old man". In the past parents insisted on picking the tribes their children would marry from. But with greater movements and interaction at school and work places that is becoming difficult. Not only are the children likely to defy their parents, but they are also enjoying new freedoms. "We have the right to choose and I will move in with him immediately after my last exam in June," Fiona, a law student, stresses. She is not counting on support from her mother who carries the same old mindset as her father. Why no mixed unions? Fiona`s situation is a manifestation of anti-mixed marriage sentiments that are common in multi-tribal Uganda. In the old days it was a taboo to marry from another tribe. Some conservative parents still hold fast to that tradition. Like in ancient days, preference for same-tribe marriages is underpinned by the desire to increase a tribe`s population and retain its purity, as well as a fear of losing a child to an alien culture. A few years ago a minister in the Buganda government who rejected his daughter`s choice of a mate later succumbed to her decision in what could be seen as a duel between the traditional and modernity. His old perception that the Basoga and Baganda were discordant was not in keeping with the modern view that friendship is driven by other social factors than tribe. For five years, the minister`s daughter held on to her chosen one until she got permission to wed. Myths, history, culture and sometimes politics play a big part in obstructing intertribal marriages. For instance the Baganda and Basoga have long been regarded as incompatible as seen in the ancient Kisoga saying: "Atasiima Muganda na mulogo", meaning, no one is as ungrateful as a Muganda or a wizard. The bad relationship between the two tribes stems from the bitter experience of the Basoga under Semei Kakungulu, a Muganda chief who ruled over Busoga with a firm hand. To the Basoga, Kakungulu was not a British colonial agent, but an agent ofBuganda. His misrule was therefore blamed on his tribe. For years Basoga men faced resistance from old-fashioned parents if they married Baganda. Some still do today. They are warned that the women are unstable, detoothers (money-minded) and likely to run off with a tribesmate after a while in marriage. Preferring anonymity, a young Musoga recalls the admonitions. "It`s unadvisable to marry from across the River Nile because Baganda are an unnecessarily proud and arrogant people who think they rule the world," one elder warned him. In what was a smear campaign, the old man pointed out that Baganda girls were "too choosy and difficult to please, impolite, despots and impossible to manage because they want to be in charge yet they should be followers, are hard-hearted and will not lovingly care for the man and his folk". Such tribal wars are not limited to Uganda. In Kenya, marriages between the Kikuyu and Luo are taboo. Driven by their pursuit to dominate Kenya`s politics, the two tribes discourage their children from intermarriages. A Kikuyu girl is unlikely to marry a Luo or even have casual contact with them. Theirs is unprecedented in tribal bigotry in East Africa. Due to linkages of languages, cultures and geographic proximity tribes in western Uganda find each other compatible. But there are still cases of disagreement. The Batoro shun the Bamba and Bakonjo, who they regard as foreigners that their children should not marry. Among the Bafumbira, the Batwa are not marriage material. New day However, with education and the influence of religion, marriages are cutting across tribes today. Judith, 33, is a Mufumbira married to a Muhima. She faced resistance when her husband first introduced her to his family. It was much later that she discovered why. She recalls: "I overheard his brother telling him that if he married me he would take the cattle outside the family. Later, I also learnt that they thought I wasn`t beautiful enough because they believe they have the most beautiful girls in the world." Mzee F. D. R. Gureme, a Muhima jokingly echoes Judith`s views when he says: "The Bahima had no reason to marry from other tribes because they had very beautiful women." He, however, points out that one of the reasons why intertribal marriages were discouraged in the olden days was because tribes were hostile to each other. As a result, the memory of the bitter pre-colonial tribal wars often surpassed love. The early history of Bunyoro and Buganda is a classic case. Fraught with colonial conflicts the two carried bitterness that at times prohibited intermarriages. The Baganda youth were warned via a saying: "Oleka mujaguzo evuga n`odda e Bunyoro" meaning that a Munyoro leaves a party in Buganda to return to his gloomy Bunyoro. The Banyoro in turn also frowned at the Baganda as exploiters. Different tribes over the ages had peculiar excuses for not accepting intermarriages. But most common include difference in cultural beliefs, customs, language, values and customs. The other concern was what language the children would use. Joy, a Muganda, nearly failed to marry her Acholi university sweetheart shortly after the overthrow of the military junta in 1986. She was told that the Acholi were a brutal tribe, the language was difficult and she would not fit in. Twenty years later she is still happily married. They use Luganda, Acholi and English at home and have a hybrid culture. Traditionalists, however, will quickly pick on this - the killing of a culture - as a reason to oppose mixed marriages. Effect of change In the old days it was normal to be born, groomed and married without ever living outside your village. Even if you did, the normal practice of parents choosing a bride/groom left no room for spouses outside one`s tribe. But years of modernity, education and love have changed this. Children are more travelled and exposed to other tribes and cultures. "Children have become more rebellious these days," says Mzee Yulita Kikomeko, shaking her head sadly. "It`s very hard for a girl or boy in love to understand the demerits of marrying outside one`s tribe because he or she will say you are old-fashioned." Warned against marrying Mark Kisadha, a Musoga, says his parents told him keep away from Banyarwanda because: "They are likely to be promiscuous people. I was also told that they never have enough sex." For Isaac Menya, it`s the Jopadhola and Banyole he`s wary of marrying. "I hate stereotyping but the Jopadhola are out of step with modernity. Even if they have grown up in Kampala or are educated, they will still remain Jopadhola." For this reason he wouldn`t marry a well behaved beautiful Jopadhola girl even if she were the only girl in the universe. As for the Banyole, "there is a lot of witchcraft in that area. One can`t be sure," Menya argues. Some people have been warned to be careful when considering marrying Banyankore. A stereotype of being lazy, dirty, and arrogant hangs around their necks. Others have been told to stay away from the Banyarwanda, Bagisu and Iteso because of their visiting culture. The Banywarwanda are accused of over-visiting with intentions to acquire property. Baganda men are accused of being unfaithful and secretive about their illegitimate children, leaving their wives to learn about such children at their funerals. Lillian, a Munyole, recalls advice not to marry a Mugisu "because you marry the whole clan. They invade the house and become members of the family and use you to develop themselves". Bagisu girls were also attacked with arguments that they are never contented with non-circumcised men. Why fear intermarriage? According to Fred Bateganya, an anthropologist/ lecturer at MakerereUniversity, some tribes like the Banyankore/Bahima just didn`t want to pollute their blood. Given their caste system, it was forbidden for the Bahima ruling class to marry a Mwiru who belonged to the lower class. There were also economic reasons for this. As cattle keepers, the Bahima wanted to keep their cattle wealth within the family and discouraging intermarriages helped them do this. As for the other tribes in Uganda, Bateganya says intertribal marriages were discouraged for social and security reasons. "Questions like how their daughter would be treated and whether she would be taken care of in case the marriage went sour often came up, thus the insistence on people they knew. Since they knew very little about people from other tribes - given their limited movements - they discouraged marriage with them. They also discouraged intermarriages to keep their culture intact," Bateganya explains. As Kikomeko says: "As Africans, we are very cultural people so we cannot separate from our cultures. Marrying someone from a different tribe is creating problems, and since compatibility is very important in a marriage it is wise to marry someone from your own tribe." In spite of all the arguments against it, there are those who will marry from any tribe if love points them in that direction. Irene, a Mugisu, says she can marry from any part of Uganda although she`s wary of Baganda men "because they don`t know the value of a woman and treat their wives like property". From Bunyoro, Herbert Kakiiza also received a strong warning about Baganda girls before he left to work in Kampala. "My grandmother has expressed reservations about my marrying a Muganda, though I don`t remember her giving any reasons. I believe it has to do with the cultural stereotypes and the historical relations between the Banyoro and Baganda." Julie Kisakye`s husband is an Etesot. Their parents were opposed to their marriage right from the word go, but this didn`t stop them from getting married. "During a family meeting, one of my aunties mentioned that Iteso eat their first born children and everyone started building on that. We now have two children, but no one from my husband`s family has ever come looking for our first born to cook him," Kisakye says. Does it work? Seven years down the road, Kisakye says she is happily married. "From my experience, marriage is not about one`s tribe, but about one`s character. Of course we`ve encountered some of the hurdles our families and friends pointed out before we wedded, but we`ve managed to overcome them. In fact, I`m sure a Muganda man would not have made me as happy as my Etesot Peter has," she contends. Gureme also had a mixed marriage with his first wife (now deceased) who was a Muganda. And he was extremely happy. He talks of his first wife with fond memories, although he hastily adds: "I have known some mixed marriages that were not very successful, but in my case it was good. I don`t think that any Muganda would have behaved like she did with me, because she was very, very good with me. She learnt Runyankore and my mother used to say that she was a Muhima." He, however, agrees that some intertribal marriages succeed while others that would have stood a chance if the couples were of the same clan failed. George, a Ugandan of Rwandese origin was one of the unfortunate ones. His wife is from Busoga and, four years into the marriage, he admits that it was a mistake to marry outside his tribe. "Many of our problems stem from our different tribes and cultures. For instance, she doesn`t want our children to learn my language (Kinyarwanda) or anything to do with our culture, claiming that it`s strange. Even simple things like which food to eat at home can build into something big, with her claiming that we Banyarwanda have funny foods," says George. Grace Akuna, a Jopadhola, has been luckier with her Mukiga husband, although she admits that "the usual cultural clashes set in, especially when it comes to how to raise our children. It was also a bit difficult for us to adjust to each other`s (tribal) beliefs and practices." For instance, she had to learn how to cook new dishes and learn Rukiga just as he had to learn her language. Whether intertribal marriages can succeed or not is a debate best left to those involved. However, it is a fact that intertribal marriages are faced with stereotypes that cannot be proved. That is why Fiona is determined to tear apart her father`s map. © 2007 AllAfrica, All Rights Reserved I divorce you …in the name of the president On the last day of 2007, we sat previewing a wedding video I had made for my fiancée`s brother, Martin, who was leaving with his bride Sally for SouthAfrica a few days later. Like bad movie editors, we constantly switched from footage of elegant Maasai dancers from the bride`s family and Gikuyu dancers from the groom`s family, to television news of paramilitary police in their jungle fatigues keeping rowdy crowds away from the electoral commissioners of Kenya announcing the election results. Then opposition leader Raila Odinga`s huge lead narrowed and flipped in favour of the incumbent, President Mwai Kibaki. Suddenly commotion and brutal force as the electoral commission chairperson was escorted out of the hall. Then he popped up at the Kenya Broadcasting Company and announced Kibaki as the winner of the elections. Even faster, the president was sworn in. Cellphones went crazy, everyone calling each other and asking if what we were seeing was true. Then another call: a Luo neighbour had sent his Gikuyu wife packing, ostensibly because the Gikuyus had stolen the presidency from Odinga, a Luo. Then we began to hear the news of mass killings and burning of properties of rival tribes. The next day I rushed to the supermarket to stock up on food and airtime for my phone. The sound of gunshots and the sight and smell of smoke from the neighbouring Kibera slums churned my stomach. In this forced eviction and ethnic cleansing, where would I go? Hadn`t people like me, mothered by a Taita from coastal Kenya and fathered by a Luhya from western Kenya, been Kenya`s pride? I needed to call mom in western Kenya and ask if she was safe. It took me two hours of queuing, only to get to the till to find out I could not call my mum. There was no credit. My heart sank. In Kisumu, spouses were kicking their Gikuyu loves out. In retaliation, Gikuyus in Central Province started hitting back at wives and husbands of the "enemy" tribe. Inter-tribal marriages and relationships are breaking, and with them, the myth of national unity. In June last year I accompanied my friend Machogu in his wedding negotiations. His wife is from a different community. "We hear you guys love beating your wives; please treat our daughter well. In our community we aren`t known to beat women," said his in-laws. "Ha ha! We hear your people steal money. Please never send her to steal from our son!" his family retorted. We had laughed it off, saying it was only the old people and they were joking. Now, our own age mates are the ones unleashing their energies to disembowel and decapitate members of rival tribes. Had we been so naive, so blind to the reality of the hatred in the rest of our country? The Happy New Year calls from friends were strange. "I don`t even know what I saw in Mercy. It is over from today. She can go marry Kibaki." "John is horrible. If his tribe performs the way he does in bed, no wonder they lost!" Oh? Were we just engaging in intellectual necking when in college we dated across tribes, while in reality, when the tribal war-drums throb, we dance to those rhythms? Munene calls. We try to laugh as we muse over the sad situation in our country. "My friend, imagine if you had got married to that Kale chick you used to date in college. Now you`d be dodging arrows in Eldoret as your in-laws chase you down the valleys!" The laughter screeches to an uneasy silence. Such jokes are now too close to the bone – literally. My cousin`s wife calls from the rural home she had gone to spend Christmas with her family. "Is it safe to come back to Nairobi?" She asks. "Yes it is," I tell her. "Well, here things have got tense; people are kicking out all foreigners to revenge what has been done to our tribesmen." I sigh. In Taita, some excited youths hounded a particular tribe to the football stadium and told them to go back to their ancestral land. My cousin`s wife, if she had been up-country, would have been among those – especially now that the husband is far away in Darfur, a soldier keeping peace there. I go back to bid Sally and Martin goodbye. In South Africa there will be no Gikuyus and Maasai to harass their marriage. Maybe there they will build a generation of children like me who can proudly say they are truly Kenyan. Here it is now a matter of walking in groups from which you draw solace from the mayhem by speaking the same mother tongue, and finding the strength in numbers to fight off attacks from gangs of the other tribes. However, where do we, the true Kenyans, run to? Simiyu Barasa is a Kenyan filmmaker and writer. © 2008 Independent News & Media PLC Are Mixed Marriages Ok? Mar 01, 2010 (Daily Trust/All Africa Global Media) -- Nigerians of all walks of life debate on the merits and demerits of inter tribal or mixed marriages, in a nation slowly taking its place in the global village. Olusina Ayodele, a media practitioner with an Abuja based tabloid probably got the rudest shock of his life few days into the new year, when his fiancee, Osemudiamen Ehime (real name withheld), a youth corp member serving in the same city, called off their 6 month old relationship for a reason that he still finds hard to come to terms with, weeks after the painful break up. Looking forward to a blissful year which he had hoped would ultimately culminate in the tying of the nuptial knots sometime in December, the current year, he had received the surprise new year package from his `heartthrob", who had visited her home town ostensibly to inform her parents about the budding relationship. According to the `corper` who unsuccessfully endeavored to create a myriad of other subtle reasons, her parents were not comfortable with the fact that their daughter could not find a suitable spouse from the thousands of young men who shared similar cultural and tribal links with her. Her decision to even think of walking down the aisle with the man in question given his `tribal antecedents`, was said to have particularly irked the young lady`s mother, who did not mince words in asking her daughter to call off the relationship immediately. Ayodele`s world came crashing on hearing the news. It took the spirited intervention of friends, relatives and other well wishers, before he could emerge from the depression that engulfed him subsequently. According to him what saddened him was not actually the time and energy wasted in nurturing the relationship, or the embarrassment the separation caused him amongst friends and family members, who had looked forward enthusiastically to the marital union. What got to him was the calmness exhibited by the lady in question, when she told him point blank that the relationship could not go on, coupled with the indifference equally exuded by her. `When she finally came to the main reason why the relationship could not go on after she had indulged in a plethora of lies and half truths, what struck me ironically was the eerie feeling that maybe something was actually wrong with the tribe to which I belonged. It was funny but I actually began to think that that maybe it was because of this that she was calling it all off, and maybe her mother was actually right. But then I came to my senses when I recalled that similar inter tribal marriages which I had witnessed in the past had succeeded, so what was wrong with ours? My only consolation however after emerging from a spell of depression was the fact that it all ended on that note, as obviously the relationship was never meant to last since it was just a relationship of convenience for my partner who was not willing to defend the relationship from the primordial attacks from her folks . However it shook the foundation of my belief in the workability and sustainability of inter tribal or mixed marriages.` Despite the pain of what he calls betrayal however, the young man still hopes one day to get married to a partner from another tribe as this has always been his desire. Anytime the issue of inter tribal marriage occurs, many nerves are inadvertently ruffled. Interestingly many schools of thought immediately emerge. It is a topic which has elicited diverse reactions from all classes of Nigerians irrespective of social, tribal, religious or philosophical underpinnings. While a great many people unapologetically kick against such marriages, and are vociferous in their opposition to it, another class no less formidable, is equally irate that the union of persons from different tribal origins should create rumpus, which at times leads to broken relationships, pain, disillusionment and in some cases suicide. There was a flurry in the press in Lagos a few years back when a young lady allegedly took her life when her parents stated their opposition to her relationship with a young man, whose only crime was the fact that he came from a `wrong` part of the country. The victim, in a suicide note left behind, said that the only barrier that was capable of separating her from her beau was death, a route she had decided to take. For those who oppose such inter tribal marriages however, many reasons according to them necessitate their antagonism. For 50-year-old Mrs. Adeleye Olabisi, a nurse, she would never allow any of her children to marry from any other tribe except from hers. When asked why she has decided to take this position, she enthuses: `Even amongst my tribe there are certain dialects from which I would not want my children to marry from (she takes ample time to reel off an astonishing list of Yoruba dialects and sub tribes, and perceived shortcomings each has, some comical, other simply bizarre). But even if they want to marry from these I would allow them, rather than marry out rightly from another tribe entirely. In the days of our forefathers it was a common thing to marry from families you can vouch for, especially those that are resident in ones community. The elders would just do a little bit of fact finding to find out if there are no serious impediments to the union. That is all. That is why marriages of our parents were always successful. But where you have children like nowadays who abandon their communities to go and look for spouses in other areas of the country, that takes at times several days to access, there are numerous problems attached to this. Apart from the language barrier, the different backgrounds from which they come from will serve as a form of challenge to the success of such marriages. But all these are absent when both have similar tribal backgrounds...` Mrs Ronke Afolabi, a staff of the German Embasssy, however opines that tribal sentiments should not affect considerations in nuptials. She adds that her marriage to a man from the north has not in any way affected their union adversely. Rather, she says the marriage keeps growing in leaps and bounds on a daily basis. `The problem we have here is that of stereotyping which is a Nigerian thing. We believe that because a person belongs to a particular culture, then he must have certain traits which are unique to his or her tribe. This is bad and has no basis. We should relate to every individual as a unique person, and not as a member of a particular tribe!` Yusuf Adebajo, another respondent, is of the same opinion. He enthuses: `inter-tribal marriage is working in Nigeria but not 100%. Perhaps some due to their level of exposure, kick against such unions! My kid sister is a Yoruba Muslim but married to a Christian! Not only a Christian but an Ibo guy! My father gave his consent! And they are blessed with a son now; and are living happily together because of the true love and affection they both have towards themselves, and which should just be the basis of every relationship that will culminate into marriage, irrespective of ethnic and religious differences! We need to sensitize and educate people in Nigeria to embrace the idea, because of the future of the younger generations.` However are there challenges? Of course there are, says another respondent, Nwokolo Austin. He avers, `inter tribal marriage brings unity and understanding between people from different backgrounds, broadens their views about life, issues and they are better at coping with varieties. The challenges could be daunting of course. Trust and bonding may be difficult to achieve, and the ease of separation is high. Besides, it is expensive as it entails patronizing two cultures or in some cases, faiths whenever there are challenges - death/burial, marriage, ceremonies and parties. Also children born into such homes, may end up not having clear identities as to where they belong.` Despite this, Seyi Anthony believes such challenges can be surmounted, if national unity exists as a value for every Nigerian. `The entire world has moved on and is currently exploiting diversity and a multicultural society: Asians, Whites and Blacks alike; forging ahead in unity and embracing complex diversity via social cohesion, intermarriage, community bridging and etc. We are still very much behind, still discussing the benefits of inter tribal marriage and religion. Are we not one Nigeria? Are we not one people and one nation, regardless of faith, tribe and geographical distribution?` he queries. I.A. Akunneto, director of Ibohayo Youth League is a man at the forefront of promoting national unity through inter-tribal marriages, and he concludes: `disunity is the bane of any society composed of men with common hope, common faith, and common aspiration. The people of Nigeria, whether they are from the North, the South, the East, or the West, have one common destiny. We should encourage inter-tribal marriages. There is no reason why an Ibo man should not marry a Hausa girl, or a Hausa man marrying a Yoruba, nor can the Yoruba man adduce any law forbidden his marriage with a Cameroonian! We were created by one God...` © 2010 AllAfrica, All Rights Reserved I Found My Rib in Japan Kampala, Jun 23, 2006 (New Vision/All Africa Global Media) -- MARRYINGfrom another tribe can be taxing. But John Patrick Mwesigwa was brave enough to cross the oceans and pick Hatsuko, his wife from Japan. They have five children. Patrick, the proprietor of JP Arts and Training Centre on Kira Road and his wife told Pidson Kareire the secret of blending cultures. John Pstrick Mwesigwa Why did you go for Hatsuko instead of black women? There was no instant attraction. We first stayed together as students at International School of Cultural Studies in Finland and later got married inJapan after five years. Why not Uganda? By the time we left Finland, Uganda was bad news with Idi Amin`s death regime. I could not stay in Finland without citizenship and my Ugandan citizenship had expired. Red Cross and United Nations High Commission for Refugees (UNHCR) helped me shift to Japan and we wedded in 1979. When Amin was overthrown, we came to Uganda. Have you regretted marrying across oceans? It only takes commitment to accommodate each other. We were brought up in different cultures; our beliefs, clothing, food and attitudes differ, but we respect each other. My wife has not been demanding. She could have insisted we stay in Japan, but she came to Uganda. Her love is true. How hard was it to get her? I had no intentions of marrying a white woman; but this one was different. The more we talked, the more we understood each other and became close. How is it having a wife from a different race? It is good. There is always an opportunity to learn more. You keep adopting new values and as long as you can balance two cultures, you have alternatives. Any conflict with the children? I let them judge for themselves. But we model them along the western culture because it rules the world. Our children are more of western than any other culture. Hatsuko Mwesigwa How did you end up with a black man? I didn`t plan it. I had never interacted with black people save for a few American marines. When we met in Finland, we had same interests and same course. My feelings for him developed out of sympathy whenever I found him reading news about Uganda. What is interesting about love across oceans? It is surprising, but interesting. You get new ideas free-of-charge. Any cultural conflict? Love is love anywhere. It is only culture, which is different. But where there is genuine love, culture gives way. Ever regretted leaving Japan? I came to Uganda when everything was so bad. This was during Obote II regime. I was homesick, but his relatives were so nice. They were not like Japanese where the level of individualism is high. My in-laws are fair; they don`t interfere with my relationship. I enjoy visiting them. I no longer get homesick. I like it here because it is spacious, not like Japan, especially Tokyo where it is congested. Japan is the opposite of Uganda; weather is perfect all the time. Did your parents support you? They didn`t want us to marry. They took so long to accept it but eventually accepted. Mum died, but my dad is alive. We now get on well. Is there any regret? Living here is a bit difficult. Raising money takes a lot. For instance, I cannot visit Japan often because it is expensive. But I can get Japanese products. If I want Japanese food I get it here - anything made in Japan I can get. I visit other Japanese. |
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