{UAH} JOKE:NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE:
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12:31 PM |
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To the residents of the Republic of Uganda,
In view of your abject failure to hold free and fair elections since independence and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at six O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all kingdoms, and other territories. Except the lost counties, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Buganda king Majesty, Ronald Muwenda Mutebi. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon David Cameron, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for Uganda without the need for further elections. Parliament and the Cabinet will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "Benching" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "Beep". Check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "Uglish"(Uganda English). We will let Microsoft know on your behalf, and that crazy boy Bernard Sabiti's book has been banned indefinitely.
3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Ugandan accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4.The Uganda film industry will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
5.You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6.You should stop playing African "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as African "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "African" football.You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls and old men(like that 80 year old man who was recently appointed 3rd deputy PM). It is a difficult game. That's why Man City were whooped today by Liverpool.
7.You should declare war on Rwanda, using the weapons you bought from Russia if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Sudanese have never been the bad guys and Museveni made sure you never know that.
8.October 9th is no longer a public holiday.November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All teargas usage by the police is hereby banned.The liquid we sold your previous govt is crap and toxic and it is for your own good. When we show you the evidence, you will understand what we mean.
10.The sanitary pads your previous president had bought from China for the women in the North are as fake as the one who ordered them. So, don't use them anymore.In view of your abject failure to hold free and fair elections since independence and thus to govern yourselves, We give hereby Notice of the Revocation of your Independence, effective today at six O'clock Greenwich Mean Time.
Her Britannic Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume sovereign duties forthwith over all kingdoms, and other territories. Except the lost counties, which Shall be returned to His Illustrious Buganda king Majesty, Ronald Muwenda Mutebi. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon David Cameron, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will suggest to Her Majesty a Governor-General for Uganda without the need for further elections. Parliament and the Cabinet will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "Benching" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "Beep". Check the pronunciation guide.You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed."
2. There is no such thing as "Uglish"(Uganda English). We will let Microsoft know on your behalf, and that crazy boy Bernard Sabiti's book has been banned indefinitely.
3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Ugandan accents. It really isn't that difficult.
4.The Uganda film industry will be required occasionally to cast British actors as the good guys.
5.You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out Task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6.You should stop playing African "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as African "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "African" football.You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls and old men(like that 80 year old man who was recently appointed 3rd deputy PM). It is a difficult game. That's why Man City were whooped today by Liverpool.
7.You should declare war on Rwanda, using the weapons you bought from Russia if they give you any "merde." The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Sudanese have never been the bad guys and Museveni made sure you never know that.
8.October 9th is no longer a public holiday.November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in the British Empire. It will be called "Indecisive Day."
9. All teargas usage by the police is hereby banned.The liquid we sold your previous govt is crap and toxic and it is for your own good. When we show you the evidence, you will understand what we mean.
11.Finally,please tell us who killed Noble Mayombo.It's been driving us crazy.
--
*Abbey Kibirige Semuwemba*
Stalk my blog at: http://semuwemba.com/
"Grant me the serenity to accept those I cannot change; the courage to change the one I can; and the wisdom to know it's me."---UNKNOWN
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