{UAH} Napoleon and Josephine Had a Steamy Sex Life

Napoleon and Josephine Had a Steamy Sex Life

BY ERIN BLAKEMORE
MONDAY, MARCH 9, 2015

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By Bosselman - Chasselat. [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

He was stumpy, awkward and scruffy in appearance. She was no better, with a mouth full of black teeth and several years on the man who would become her famous lover and husband. But Napoleon and Josephine, as he called his empress, had one thing going for them—a steamy sex life that lent a soap opera quality to everything they touched.

Born Marie Josèphe Rose Tascher de La Pagerie, Josephine was six years older than Napoleon. When they met, he was an up-and-coming soldier and she was a widow who barely escaped execution by guillotine during the French Revolution. Sexually experienced and well-versed in the arts of seduction, Josephine charmed Napoleon with "one twitch of her skirt."

But their relationship was doomed to be on-again, off-again. Josephine was understandably iffy about aligning herself with a relative nobody, but his rise up the ranks of the military began to attract her notice. So she sent him a note in the eighteenth-century version of a booty call, writing "You no longer come to see a friend who is fond of you. You have completely deserted her. You are wrong, for she is affectionately attached to you. Come tomorrow to lunch with me. I need to see you, and to talk with you about your affairs." Napoleon's affairs became Josephine's from then on, and eventually he convinced her to marry him.

He was overwhelmed by her relative sexual expertise, including a move he called the "zigzag". Inflamed by sexual passion, Napoleon wrote his love racy letters filled with sexual requests. "I will return to Paris tomorrow evening," he wrote from a military campaign. "Don't wash."

But sleeping with Josephine had its perils. She refused to kick her dogs out of her bed, even though they bit their new master on their wedding night. An "extremely vigorous and loud sex technique" resulted in both husband and wife falling out of their bed and awakening the entire house. And jealousy and arguments peppered their passionate marriage.

When Josephine took a lover, her indiscretion became the talk of France and eventually England, which used the intelligence as a way to humiliate the cuckolded husband on the battlefield. In retaliation, Napoleon took a string of lovers, including a French woman living in Egypt who became known as his "Cleopatra." News of Napoleon's affair devastated Josephine, who found that she was in love with her husband, after all. When Napoleon came home from war, he threatened to divorce her. In response, she waited in his hallway, sobbing and wailing, and eventually brought her two children to beat on his door and help her beg for mercy. After hours of this spectacle, he let her in to his bedroom—and his bed—once more.

Still, eventually Napoleon moved on. He blamed Josephine for her inability to give him an heir and divorced her in 1809, after a moving ceremony in which both husband and wife read a "statement of devotion" to the other. And Napoleon never forgot his sexy wife—his last words were "France, army, head of the army, Josephine."

Gwokto La'Kitgum

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"Even a small dog can piss on a tall building" Jim Hightower

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