{UAH} Letter From Kireka: How the Shs2m saucepan works
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Letter From Kireka: How the Shs2m saucepan works
Posted Sunday, September 29 2013 at 00:00
MPs on the Public Accounts Committee were shocked this week when officials of the defence ministry appeared before them and provided accountability of Shs1.8 million spent on purchase of a saucepan.
Apparently, the saucepan goes for Shs150,000 in the open market. In our Kireka bar, however, we agreed with the army officials after we were given the following specifications about the saucepan.
Kony sensor
According to Rusaniya, our waitress, the saucepan has a Kony sensor. Apparently, the floor of the saucepan has been fitted with a sensor that can tell if rebel leader Joseph Kony is in a radius of 500 meters. This sensor turns yellow the moment Kony's scent or is it odour comes into contact with the saucepan. From Rusaniya's narration, it is this saucepan that helped the army the few times they nearly captured Kony although they ended up arresting his Kaunda suit, guitar and jerrycans.
Hunger prediction button
Another outstanding feature about this saucepan is its ability to tell exactly how hungry one is. In explaining how this feature works, Alfredo, our chairman, said: "The Hunger Prediction Button can tell your hunger levels measured on a Hungerbility Index that is mapped on one side of the saucepan. As soldiers troop to get be served, this button rises and falls depending on the level of hunger. In that way, the army is able to save on food as soldiers get exactly what they need. It is great technology which even schools can adopt.
Manna cable
Another unique feature about this saucepan is this cable. It works in tandem with the Hunger Prediction Button. The user manual describes its use as follows: "Because the Hunger Prediction Button is able to detect the levels of hunger of the consumers, and that means serving people to satisfy them, at times the food might not be enough. When this saucepan's users see the food levels dwindling and yet there are still more consumers lined up, they are advised to connect the saucepan to the Manna Cable.
This cable is named after the heroic act in the Bible when God sent food called manna from heaven to starving Jews. This cable is capable of multiplying the amount of food left in the saucepan enabling it to serve the rest of the people queuing up. The caution, however, is that this cable must be used sparingly."
Load shedding handles
The 2012 model of this wonder saucepan has come with this new feature. The previous models of the saucepan did not have it but user feedback called for adjustments. This is what the user manual says: "After our 2000 and 2005 models, we received complaints about constant loadshedding in some user countries yet this saucepan needed about 10MW to run it. We then designed a new set of handles which can save power to the tune of 30MW. This means when loadshedding occurs, you can use the saucepans's handles to cook whatever food you want. You can use the saucepan on average of three days without power."
Handler hygiene alarm
Next to the Loadshedding Handles is an alarm button. "This button is very sensitive to the hygiene of the cooks," said Araali as he explained to the bar its use.
"Should a cook in any way not meet the high cleanliness standards demanded of this saucepan's user, the alarm goes off. So, someone like Musoga here would have trouble operating this saucepan (Musoga protests vehemently).
It is because of this device that you see few hygiene-related illnesses in the army."
Ghost rejector
About this part of the saucepan, the manufacturer's manual reads as follows: "This is software we created when we launched the 2005 model. We have kept it even in the 2012 model.
After the 2000 premier launch, we received information that the saucepan users were inflating the number of people a single saucepan could service. They called them ghosts. We then created this software, which automatically records how many people have been served per meal.
Once the serving has begun, the software automatically turns itself on. It then relays this data to a safe house somewhere. A cook will therefore find it hard to serve ghosts."
As we drank the last of our beer, Alfredo, our chairman, said: "These MPs should therefore stop acting ignorant. The UPDF has set the pace for technological development which all right-thinking Ugandans should follow. We should cut them some slack."
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