{UAH} Children need presence not presents
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8:31 AM |
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By KIPKOECH TANUI
Talking to a counselor not long ago I was shocked to learn majority of her clients are rich people. You ask why? Because of the psychological torture they undergo while seeing their children grow, knowing that they won't manage to hold, leave alone develop, the Mzee's financial and property empire when he is gone.
After years of working hard, or even stealing, which from what we are hearing from the government is becoming a 'smart' career move, the old man looks at his children and slips into a psychological abbyss.
This is because his children are experts in carousing and cavorting with members of the opposite sex (at times same sex!). Others are lazy and can't even make their beds or cook for themselves even when of high school age.
LONGING TO BE POOR
True, some parents are lucky to have children they are certain will build from where they left off, but a thousand others are sure the moment they die, the kids will just parcel out the hundreds of acres and dozens of plots and houses the family accumulated over the years, and go see how Seychelles and its sea shells looks like.
The counselor also told me that some of the children in the schools only the rich could afford, do wish they were born to poor parents.
"There were these two kids who were brought to me by the parents from Karen. Their performance in school had dropped and they seemed not keen to study at all. Their parents were en raged, saying they had given them everything they needed," she told me.
"I asked the parents to leave and talked to the kids one after another. Both said they were unhappy because they wished their parents were poor and had only one car so both parents would drop them at school.''
It turned out that the kids were envious of the 'poor' parents they saw bringing their schoolmates every morning right up to the gate in rickety Japanese imports. They would then hold their children's hands up to class. They would embrace their children and in the evening they would be there to pick them up.
This was the opposite of the 'mechanical' life they themselves had been 'condemned' to.
This is because a driver would drop and pick them from school. At home, on the fridge was a list of what was to be eaten when and where. Over the weekends, the driver would know where to take them to kick ball and swim. There were also marked out days for pizza deliveries and succulent KFC chicken cuts.
When the counselor finished with the children and called in the parents, it was for a lecture on what children need most; presence not presents!
I veered off politics and our usual Kenyan tales today to share with you this sobering experience on parenting. Most often, we assume that because we have given our children everything, they do not need us so we would rather be in hair salons, gyms and clubs.
We assume that since they are not like the children of the poor, they must be happy. We are also too proud of the fact we have given them a better life than the one we led in the village.
SAUNAS AND CHAUFFERS
But very soon like the parents in the counselor's room, we are woken up from this stupor that happiness only resides in posh homes complete with tennis courts, saunas, expensive vehicles, as well as chauffeurs, masseuses and chefs. Yes, these parents would tell you that all the money they are busy making, and whatever land and houses they buy and companies they set up, will eventually be inherited by their children. But what we fail to realise, is that to the children the cars and houses could just be toys that they quickly get tired of.
However, your presence means a million things to them. It radiates a message of love. It reassures and imbues them with confidence to face the challenges and uncertainties of life.
That common bond a child develops with you, so much that years later they can confide in you about even the most challenging aspects of life, starts with your presence. It is what can never be delegated, either to the driver, 'domestic manager', or even teachers in school.
For the parents both younger and older than me, regardless of whether they are single, widowed or divorced, let us also invest time in our children. We must learn to juggle work, engagement with friends, and our hobbies, but still have time for them.
You may be asking where all this started, and I will freely tell you the inspiration actually came from the letters my young daughter, Sharleen Jerop Koech, who is in Standard Five, writes me when she wants to express herself on a matter that has either displeased or pleased her.
She is a good communicator orally, but excellent when she writes a letter to be placed on my bedside. I know that this will later branch out in this digital age to e-mails and SMSes.
Jerop's letters always nudge me to strive to be a better father, if I have not been. Jelegat also writes, but not often, and I pray young Kipng'etich and Jelimo will also find a way of expressing themselves deeply and richly to myself and their mother.
Yes, I have learnt my lessons in parenting but, like many, I believe there are are still more chapters of life we have neither read nor are aware of. But don't forget the counselor did not say we stop creating wealth!
The writer is Managing Editor, The Counties at The Standard Group.
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