{UAH} How countries run broke, Part II

''Apart from the politicians and their patrons, who is not broke? In Uganda, it is very normal to be totally broke, and austerity has never been our problem. Songs like 'Sitya Loss' with ululating rustic kids attest to this. We live in chronic austerity and do not understand why it is so difficult for the Europeans. We ask no questions to our governments. When tough times call, we swallow our pride, recoil and go into social 'hybernation' or economic limbo. Bread-winners make sudden announcements like: 'From today, there will be no more milk until a new announcement amends this one'. We cut the sugar in our tea, and ration the meat-balls to favour the 'bread-winner' - for in him/her lies our survival.

 When things become better, we switch on the money guzzlers: In the rural areas, we marry a few more wives/husbands and we can even inherit their HIV if we want (Yes, even well earning experienced women practice a form of undocumented money-related polyandry); in the urban areas, we buy Toyota 'Hi-mpsum' (Yes, that's what one mogul calls it), and we buy the 'side-dish' what UAH's Edward Mulindwa calls a 'Sexually Transmitted Vehicle' - a 3rd hand Japanese piece of reconditioned junk that costs US$2500.

While at the University, some guy would make a roll-call on our floor searching for those who were forfeiting their government-provided meal that day and would 'borrow' their government meal-cards. He would stock up on 3 servings of posho and beans. Then he'd use the only 2000/= he had to buy his girl-friend a plate of chips and chicken. Every-time the girl-friend asked why he had ordered for one plate of chips, he'd tell her stories of how he'd already imbibed 2 cheese-burgers that day - yet every 3 minutes he'd scratch his hair, pick one 'chip' and swallow it like a chicken. Such true love! Another lad burst into tears when as he was walking out of the mess, a hawk nose-dived to his plate and stole the only piece of meat he'd been served. Yet another one tripped and fell flat on his belly but kept his plate of food was fully balanced and horizontal without a single 'bean' falling off - A.U.S.T.E.R.I.T.Y!

In Uganda, even a well earning person can fall into austerity for three complete days if their ATM Card is 'swallowed' by the ATM (It happened to me one weekend not so long ago) because we use debit instead of credit cards. Banks are paranoid about issuing credit cards because Ugandan creditors behave like the lender - u give someone money and u have to mug them or threaten violence to get paid.

For us Ugandans' we know how to survive on 'photosynthesis' when things are bad. There is also the ever open option of back-migration to the village or the slum. In the village, people live in perpetual austerity - they have cut all non-essentials including taking unnecessary soap baths. They give birth to 10 children even in severe austerity, and refer the children to God's hands. Doctors are very used to earning US$ 300 without complaint, even when they conduct 6 Caesarean sections per day. We are very used to dust, potholes and second-hand clothes (from austerity fearing Europe)

Many an unemployed youth uses 'Foot-subishi' for 10 kilometer promenades everyday, dropping CVs wherever there is a hole in the wall. Single mothers work like donkeys to pull through, while village children do not mind stretching their multi-puncture pantalongs and shoe-less feet for as long as possible, in a culture of perpetual resilience. Where there is no whisky, we take 'extremely potent' 'Tyson-like' local brews that knock us off in seconds - we take it in Soda bottles so as not to arouse suspicion.

We have extended families. Orphanages are only for un-documented children abandoned on rubbish heaps. Otherwise, when someone dies, you do not wait to be asked to inherit their off-spring - duty calls immediately - and if you want, you can take the wife as 'ebigenderako'. School girls share everything, including panties, bras and Human Papilloma Virus, just for the sake of sisterhood.

 In high school, I myself had a prank I used to get free samosas from peers: I would start up a captivating conversation with the group during tea break, and when everybody seemed to be enjoying my conversation, I would casually pick a samosa from their plate, with all due confidence - a tax for my 'free story'. Some would eye-ball my maneuver but quickly surrender when at the climax of the treachery, I nailed another joke. Every earning Ugandan is a local philanthropist, whether they like it or not! It is sheer social responsibility to share and take care of others, whatever you earn.

In Uganda, austerity is the norm. That is why 30% of adult Ugandans have high-blood pressure by age 40. May be we better start exporting austerity lessons to the 'peripheral' European countries.''



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"War is nothing but a  continuation of political intercourse, with a mixture of other means. Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest." 

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