{UAH} And they say women are the weaker sex…
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And they say women are the weaker sex…
Written by ANDREW KAGGWA & YUDAYA NANGONZI
Seeing her comb her hair was as theatrical, sensual and passionate, especially when the comb's little fingers passed through her thinning locks.
We were just like lone trees in a desert, her breathing and surrendering heartbeat was reassuring, it was like Kalahari and all his brother deserts were around us, giving us a go-ahead. "Ravish me," she said, with that voice, ummm, the inner music in it, was the music I talk about when I talk about music…..
These are the poetic lines that ran through John's mind the first time Elena, a girl he had admired for so long, let him into her nest. That was about five years back. It seemed like a perfect scene from a novel, the kind that would get any man wishing he was John on that day. Only problem though, was that it was all just in his mind.
You know, some of those stories many men will make up to claim their failed sex conquests! He, indeed, went to Elena's place. But what followed was more like him standing at her door, going through different versions of intros he was supposed to use before pouring his heart out. In his mind, she was going to be very impressed; they would kiss, have sex and start a relationship!
That didn't work; he entered and said he wanted to check on her, he later embarrassed himself by inquiring if she was hungry!
After leaving her house a few minutes later, John sat in his car imagining what a night it would have been if he hadn't gotten cold feet. His imagination is that story, and it is what he has told his male friends that cared to listen.
Over the years, women have been considered the weaker sex – world leaders continuously fight for their rights through support for girl child education and empowerment, women emancipation and ending violence against women, among others, yet, in many given circumstances, the female species is far from being the weaker sex.
They have managed to instead, expose men as weak, vulnerable, and in some cases, downright stupid because of love. You have seen men act fools in the name of impressing a lady, who in their eyes is a Miss Right of sorts.
For instance, John sat in his car for almost an hour thinking back and forth whether he should go back and tell her about his feelings. But most of the time, he spent imagining what a great night he had wasted.
By the time he made up his mind to go home, she had even switched off her lights and gone to sleep.
Yet John is not the first man to make irrational decisions for a woman; in fact many more men have been left senseless, shameless and others at the brink of death, because of a woman's rejection or a love lost.
SELF TALKING
Peter Okecho, an expatriate working in Abu Dhabi, talks of his friend who literally lost himself after rumour started doing the rounds that his girlfriend was cheating on him.
"He called her twice that day. The first time she didn't pick, and when he tried again she picked, but her line wasn't clear," Okecho says.
The technicalities that made the phone calls difficult drove him crazy. Okecho says as he walked with him, his friend started talking to himself, mumbling something to the effect that she was too busy cheating on him to even pick her phone. Even when Okecho tried to change the subject of conversation, the deluded guy would simply slide back into self talk.
"He would talk about the brilliant plans he had for her, the children they would have and what he would do to that guy she was cheating with if they met."
That is when Okecho and another friend made the decision to follow him home, afraid of what he was going to do. The situation was only saved when they found her home – alone.
Other men though, after a breakup, embark on a journey of self-discovery, trying to understand why they've been dumped. Meanwhile, they will always manufacture a lie for their friends, and in the new story, they are the ones delivering the damage lines of "I am sorry, it is not you with the problem but it is me!" and secretly, they will work on ways of winning their girls back by impression.
According to Okecho, many men would rather destruct themselves to show their now exes that they are just fine.
"They start to gym and hangout more, especially in places their girls frequent," he adds.
To make it look like their life has been perfect since the breakup, Okecho says some men choose to hook up with new girls that they will show off to their ex as trophies.
Much as they pretend to act strong, many men end up broken and appearing more fragile than you could imagine. There have been reports of men being put on the suicide watch list.
Others have been caught doing weird things such as eating soap after breakups, playing detective and stalking their exes, while others, in bid not to appear as the loser, try to win their lovers back, just so that they can do the dumping.
Many of the scenarios are quite laughable. In the US, Today News reported a story of one Steven Silverstein suing his girlfriend for breaking off an engagement. He accused her of wasting his time and an alleged breach of promise.
Some men are known to being friendly to their exe's new guy, hoping to compare notes with him and getting to the bottom of why this guy has taken his place. According to a research by Craig Morris of Birmingham University, women experience more emotional pain following a breakup than men, though men, in most cases, never recover.
"The man will likely feel the loss deeply and for a very long period of time as it 'sinks in' that he must 'start competing' all over again to replace what he has lost – or worse still, come to the realization that the loss is irreplaceable," – reads the research in part.
It is almost a point of no return where men do lots of stupid mistakes. Some become expensive mistakes, while others are extremely violent, such as attacking their ex's new man.
It has been said that the recent death at Guvnor, an elite hanging spot in Kampala, was triggered off by Johnnie Ahimbisibwe, the man who eventually paid the ultimate price. It is said that Ahimbisibwe met his death after he attacked his once best friend, Ivan Kamyuka, who was hanging out with his wife Nina, also an ex of Ahimbisibwe.
Maybe if it wasn't for the woman, Ahimbisibwe could probably be alive, and yes, he would still be friends with Kamyuka. If it wasn't for some girl, probably no one would be on the suicide watch list, talking to themselves or thinking back and forth in someone else's parking lot. They are all just maybes, but one fact remains glaring: women are not the weaker sex we assume they are.
HANDLING A HEARTBREAK
It is a common delusion that women take breakups harder than men. And truthfully, the end of a relationship can be gut-wrenching for anyone and everyone involved.
Hilda Bahati, a professional counselor and psychology coach, agrees that a breakup is tough, no matter the situation.
Bahati says men may be physically stronger than women, but when it comes to emotions, they are definitely the weaker sex.
"Men find it hard to process their feelings. From childhood, they are told that expression of vulnerability is a sign of weakness," Bahati explains. "This makes them fail to handle breakups in a healthy manner, resorting to unproductive routes of rebounding, drinking, and letting their feelings explode into anger."
She adds that when men feel like they don't have what it takes to hold onto a woman, their sense of self-worth shatters. Bahati, also the founder of a relationships firm called Life Fix Ltd, offers some tips to the men folk.
AVOID STALKING HER
Bahati says men should not email or text their ex, trying to find out if she is still interested, as it would make one feel worse about themselves.
"Yes, I know it is tempting to facebook-stalk her, or stalk her at her workplace, home or hanging out places. But you really need to resist that urge," she counsels.
DON'T RUSH INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP
You might be tempted to get into a rebound relationship with the girl who first crosses your path, but that would be a huge mistake.
"How many times have you woken up after a night of rebound sex only to find yourself lonelier? Sleeping with another might help you in the short term, but the next day you'll just find yourself comparing your rebound to your ex," says the counselor.
DON'T IGNORE HOW YOU FEEL
Instead of letting your thoughts about your ex rule your life, Bahati recommends 30 minutes daily for one to stay alone and let it all out.
"Life does indeed go on and giving yourself space to grieve can help you make a faster recovery than simply repressing all those feelings," she says, adding that one should open up and talk to people.
While a man may have a bunch of buddies, it is probably tough leaning on them for emotional support following a breakup. Bahati suggests that men should have one or two friends with whom they can talk things out to greatly improve their psychological state.
REMAIN BUSY
Focus and stay busy or make yourself busy with something instead of relying on alcohol to numb your pain. Focus on working out or some other physical activities. Bahati says this would allow one to channel their anger into more productive activities that they had fancied but never had the time for.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO CRY
One should not spend too much energy on trying to get better. Don't hold back, either.
"If you want to cry... go on and cry. It is part of the healing process. Get back out there and reconnect with old friends," says Bahati, also an NTV counselor host.
MAKE THINGS BETTER
"Avoid doing things you'll regret. Wait until your emotions have cooled down before you approach her again, if at all," advises Bahati.
She urges one to meet a counselor or life coach to pour their heart out and be helped. In the end, Bahati says a breakup can be a good time for reflection and personal growth.
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