{UAH} Allan/Pojim/WBK: Zimbabwe: Stop it Tanzania! Stop provoking us

Zimbabwe: Stop it Tanzania! Stop provoking us

Smooth succession ... Tanzania's ex-leader Jakaya Kikwete and successor John Magufuli

05/12/2015 00:00:00
	by Eliphas Taonezvi

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Tanzania stop it! ... Eliphas Taonezvi   RELATED STORIES

TANZANIA, please stop it. As our good first lady Dr Amai Soon-to-be-Professor Grace Mugabe says - please STOP IT!!! Stop trying to provoke us!

From the time that your President, Dr John Pombe Magufuli (JPM), 55, was elected into office on October 25, 2015, you Tanzanians have turned our lives into a living hell.

Hardly a day passes without reading briefs on social or mainstream media about yet another strange and provocative act by that new and enigmatic President of yours. What can he teach us? He is wet behind the ears in as far as being President is concerned.

I can't even believe it. Even the so-called Twittersphere is going crazy with this #whatwouldmagufulido, as if it's your first time have a President.

To begin with, I heard that he made an announced visit to the Ministry of Finance in Dar es Salaam only to discover that a huge fraction of the senior staffers were either goofing off or not at work – perhaps roaming around town moonlighting on a frolic of their own. Shouldn't those entrusted with the onerous responsibility of managing the national purse find time to take a siesta?

Then we heard JPM made another surprise visit to Muhimbili Referal Hospital to check on the state of service delivery there. We hear he went ballistic, unhappy with what he saw – patients sleeping on the floor with some unattended for weeks.

A whole President sneaking into a hospital like that!! I hear that since then, things have dramatically changed in that hospital, with patients receiving prompt medical attention and all machines are now working. That's good for you, but you don't have to throw it into our faces like that. STOP IT!!

Do you know how it feels to hear of such things that seem impossible here happening in our sister country? You may have given us and our freedom fighters refuge during the colonial era, allowing us to run camps like Morogoro among others, but that doesn't give you the licence to keep giving us a feeling that things are completely upside down and rudderless in our dear country. Keep your fairy tales to yourselves!

Need we remind you that we died for this country? That our own president has never made such a surprise visit to our Parirenyatwa Hospital does not mean that he does not care about us and our health. In fact, I can proudly declare the last time he was there, he was visiting his sister who was hospitalized at the facility.

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Let me hasten to add that we are so proud of him that even when his eyes start itching, we get him on our Air Zimbabwe Boeing 767 and fly him across the high seas to the tiny island of Singapore to make sure that he gets some of that Oriental medicine. Haven't you heard of our look east policy?

In any case, is it because you can afford to lose your President that you allow him to do such risky things? Do you know how unsafe such hospitals are? Would our President, His Excellency, Head of State and Government, Commander-in-Chief of the Defence Forces, Chancellor of all universities and the brains behind Gushungo Holdings' security detail fit in those wards?

If you have ever been to Parirenyatwa Hospital, you would, without doubt, know that the wards are so full that our dear leader would have nowhere to step on. And what if those old shaky beds, or even the tilted ceiling, or the rickety drip stands collapsed and injured him?

Where else would we get another good President? I can assure you that nobody can replace him. I mean absolutely nobody – so nobody that if he were, out of the abundance of his heart, to pass onto the next world, we would have to rewrite our constitution so that we become Presidentless.

Besides, let me tell you in no uncertain terms that we are alright, and not complaining. Please do not make us feel like our dear leader does not care. It may be true that our dear leader and his top team fly to faraway shores for treatment. But you may be misreading this gesture of genuine goodwill on our part.

We do so because he is the Leader of all Africans in case you forget that he is also the chairman of the African Union. That has kept him so busy that he had to pass on one of his lesser responsibilities of running SADC to a lesser mortal and junior, Ian Khama.

It is in the spirit of promoting international relations that we may send our daughters to Germany, America or China to give birth. In fact, to further strengthen the bond between our people and those of the Middle East, our dear leader's daughter now plies her trade in the deserts of Bahrain. I have no doubt that given her many degrees and talents, she is a useful envoy in that region.

Word also doing the rounds is that in a bid to boost government coffers, your President banned foreign travel by public servants. Good heavens!! He is said to have ordered that any foreign business that necessitated that travel abroad must now be done by high commissioners and ambassadors.

I mean, who does that? I laughed hard on this one. Does your President care for these civil servants? I can't even imagine it – a traveller like George Charamba whose English we have to read with a dictionary in hand being told that no more foreign travels!!! How could a patriotic leader do that?

For the record, our economy is doing well, so well that we don't need lessons on spending. In fact, we perfected our own form of economics called Gonomics. I mean, for goodness sake, do your people even know what a quintillion and a sextillion is. WE were all quadrillionaires at one point in case you have no idea.

At one point we had this lunatic called Tendai Biti who was trying to introduce us to some alien concepts of 2000 years ago – telling us that we must "eat what we kill". Aah!!! That fellow was unbelievable. I can tell you that he didn't last. We made sure that he was out of cabinet.

When he survived the election by the skin of his teeth and stayed in parliament, we made sure we played all tricks in the book to kick him out. As you know we don't brook any nonsense!! Did his professors wherever he went to school not teach him about a budget deficit?

Let me tell you! Our honourable ministers, MPs and other respected officials are free to travel and attend all sorts of meetings anywhere on this planet. Whether the country benefits in line with the costs of those meetings is none of your business.  Zimbabwe is not Tanzania and Tanzania is not Zimbabwe. Keep your Tanzania and our dear leader and liberator will keep his Zimbabwe. Do you know our history?

Have you any idea how we suffered during the colonial era? If you see our leaders zooming past in armoured limousines and all-terrain SUV convoys led by outriders warning everybody to leave the road with heavy security, don't start making silly comparisons with your country.

Considering how the stories from Tanzania make Zimbabweans feel, don't you see how our dear leaders need tight security? Your President's actions are harmful propaganda for us!

Your President is not the first leader to call for modesty in public expenditure. We used to have one with such a sense of humour way back in the 80s. He wondered why African leaders would ride in cars and import everything from abroad when we had a roaring manufacturing industry in our backyard.

He despised the western Italian suits and moved around in Chinese Tunic (Zhongshan) Suit and safari suits in solidarity with our Chinese all-weather friends who fought side by side with us during the liberation struggle. He had simple tastes. We miss him ever since he was kidnapped by power, and married himself a young wife with expensive tastes.

In spite of all that, I can tell you that our current President has been so good to you ungrateful people. On our behalf, he has attended four presidential handover ceremonies in your country. From Nyerere handing over to Ali Hassan Mwinyi, to Benjamin Mkapa to Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete all the way to this Magufuli of yours three weeks ago.

Honestly, I don't get it. What more do you want? Do you have any idea how painful and disparaging it is to witness things you don't believe in? And all you do to pay us back for this love is to elect a President that makes changes in Tanzania which incite hatred, alarm and despondency for our leaders in Zimbabwe and cause demand for change.

You know that we are in perpetual election mode in Zimbabwe, and we will be going for elections in 2018; how could you do that to us under such circumstances?

When we get our own Magufuli, we will revenge! That I promise.

This spoof was inspired by another written by Dr Jimmy Ssentongo from Uganda. Eliphas Taonezvi is a Zimbabwean innovator and social analyst. Feedback is appreciated on eliphastaonezvi@gmail.com.

Moses Ocen Nekyon

Democracy is two Wolves and a Lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed Lamb disputing the results.

Benjamin Franklin

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