{UAH} Donald Trump’s ActualMedical Records

Donald Trump's Actual Medical Records

Donald Trump's formal medical evaluation came out today, and, as you might have guessed, it is a thoroughly majestic, unbelievably adverb-strewn piece of unnecessarily grandiose and unwarranted praise. The average person would quietly celebrate his good health and move on. But in Donald Trump's world, a lack of syphilitic infection is top-notch resume-building material.

ADVERTISING

But can we trust this report, and theapparent 1970s record executive who performed the evaluation? No, we cannot. Like anything else that comes from the world of Trump, this statement must be subjected to many furious rounds of fact-checking and word-by-word correction. In the course of reviewing the statements of Trump's doctor, GQ has uncovered the candidate's very REAL and very extensive history of medical issues, which we will present to you now, in a clinical and not-at-all-mocking fashion:

HAIR: Micro-implants harvested from the body of a rare Albanian Sasquatch (1984)

SKIN: Full-body melanoma removed; multiple skin grafts (2003)

EYEBROWS: Furrow-enhancement surgery (1998)

BRAIN: Holistic cerebral-shockwave therapy and intercranial-tissue massage (2010)

EYEBALLS: Patient is 80% blind in both eyes, requires very large letters to see words, including own name (diagnosis made 1968)

MOUTH: Unlockjaw, never treated (condition first observed at birth)

CHIN: Diagnosed as formally withering; extensive nerve damage; cannot sustain any further punishment (2012)

CHEST: Chest pains brought about by excessive puffing, treated with nitroglycerides (ongoing)

LUNGS: Punctured lungs, suffered when Mr. Trump was in one of the Twin Towers on 9/11 and valiantly held up the North Tower for three entire minutes while many potential victims evacuated (2001)

INTESTINES: Intestinal blockage caused by swallowing unwanted infant whole; blockage dissolved with acids and barium solution (1986)

HANDS: Excessively soft hands due to lack of manual labor; occupational therapy and putty strengthening exercises prescribed (1976)

FINGERS: Bovine influenza contracted via excessive anal groping (1985)

RECTUM: Removal of own head from rectum (first occurrence 1993, recurrence biannually)

PENIS: Botched penile "girthening" (performed by Muslim doctor; settlement not disclosed) (1980)

SCROTUM: Chapped scrotum; treated with advanced laser moistening; dyed pure gold for cosmetic effect (2000)

HIPS: Double hip replacement; both hips replaced with solid-gold bricks at the insistence of patient; acute, chronic pain and agitation resulting (1981–present)

FEET: Fallen arches brought about by excessive golf-cart-pedal depressing (2014)

UNDER FEET: Surgical removal of final scraps of Atlantic City economy (1990

--
Disclaimer:Everyone posting to this Forum bears the sole responsibility for any legal consequences of his or her postings, and hence statements and facts must be presented responsibly. Your continued membership signifies that you agree to this disclaimer and pledge to abide by our Rules and Guidelines.To unsubscribe from this group, send email to: ugandans-at-heart+unsubscribe@googlegroups.com