{UAH} Putin Misses Former Employee

By Andy Borowitz

Photograph by Chris McGrath / Getty

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—In unusually emotional remarks at the Kremlin, the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, said that he "deeply missed" a former employee.

"I remember one time, in Helsinki, when I told him that I didn't meddle in the American election, and he obediently repeated what I said," Putin recalled. "I knew then and there that I had found a very special employee."

"Then there was the time a reporter asked if I was a killer, and he changed the subject," he said. "I thought to myself, If only everyone who worked for me was this good."

Putin acknowledged that dealing with his employee could sometimes be frustrating, "like when the interpreter would have to translate my instructions into very short and simple words so he could understand them," but admitted that such inconveniences seemed trivial now.

"None of that outweighs the sheer comfort of knowing that he was always working for me," Putin said, choking back tears. "I do miss him so."

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—In unusually emotional remarks at the

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