{UAH} Weave woes from Nairobi women

Weave woes from Nairobi women 

By Tony Mochama 

Updated Friday, November 22nd 2013 at 10:25 GMT +3

he other day, this motorist with a humongous weave came racing across to beat the pedestrians at the zebra crossing near the University of Nairobi. 

"Hey," my fellow pedestrian said, "hold your horses, lady." A good thing he said 'lady' too, because for a second, I thought he was talking to her weave – that's how large it was. 

A while back, there was a hullabaloo around one of our wanna-be socialites, Vera Sidika, when the young lady said her weave had cost her close to half a million. Let's pretend that story is true for a minute (it is of course a big fat white lie to earn 'wanna be' socialite points). 

Half a million is money better invested for a 'wanna be' in a Vitz, but if one's butt is too big to fit, then a tiny plot in Kiamaiko. Minute over! The point is some weaves just scream "I am a wanna be who wishes I had Caucasian hair." 

Or else you are a bird lover, such an avian-o-phile that you are attempting to bring the marabou stork around Nyayo stadium home to roost – otherwise, as Chimamanda Adichie may ask – pray, what is that thing around your head?

Speaking of which, those giant pillars beloved of 'iconic' women like Orie Rogo-Manduli are very 1962. Woman, don't wear them in your wanna-be attempt to look more African than everyone else. Unless of course you are going to yet another 'bad pilau and boring speeches' wedding this Saturday afternoon. 

Only wanna-bes of the ocular type tweeze their eyebrows so very thin, or else shave them off totally, kabisa, and get some cheap salonist who went to 'Mama Ciru's Street Wise Saloon (sic)' to draw them fake eyebrows with an eye pencil.

If you find yourself doing this, the good Lord is telling you – "you are meant to be a clown at one of those bouncing castle places that parents take their kids on Sunday".

 Talking of which, if God meant to give Africans blue eyes or green eyes or gray eyes, he would have. In His wisdom, He chose to give us basic colour choices – brown ama black. It is very disconcerting to talk to someone who is staring at you with yellow eyes. Kumbe she has inserted some strange contact lenses in her eyeballs that make her look like a stray cat that's suffering from jaundice. 

If your neck is lighter than your arms, my wanna-be friend, you will not convince anyone that what you are applying is what dear Sheila Mwanyigha advertises on those Uhuru Highway billboards. Only Muthoni, DQ, can escape with bright green lipstick on their peckers, you silly wanna-be.

If you are one of those women going under the knife, as The Nairobian reported, in the quest for bigger is better, you are lost. 

If your mama gave you big hips that shake and sway as you sashay along the streets, good for you. But there are men out there who while they watch big backsides with fascination, they want to 'be there' as much as they'd want to be caught up in an avalanche on Mount Fujimoto (although Fujimoto fascinates their sensibilities). 

Just remember the more you over-develop your bottom; chances are the more under-developed your brain is.  Hence the common expression for bimbo-wanna-bes: "She's got **** for brains."

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Gwokto La'Kitgum

"Even a small dog can piss on a tall Building", Jim Hightower