{UAH} Life of Fatherless Children
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Life of Fatherless Children
Why do children from economically advanced nations rank low in social and emotional well being?
This is a question that has bothered me for ages. I came across many studies and expert writings on this topic. Recently someone I know attempted suicide and family have been pulling their hair out thinking why. I know another case where their young son run away only to be found dead. They want answers to what led their child to behave in such a destructive and fatal way. Child poverty and social class have been branded around as the key factor but I do not believe these are the major reasons why children take such drastic steps. Our children lack social and emotional intelligence due to some inconvenient truth that many in the developing nation are too selfish to hear and accept - absence of father in the lives of children.
You can be a brilliant single mother but I am afraid you are an exception rather than the norm. A child can not be naturally conceived by anyone alone, it requires a man and woman to create a safe space, have relationship of commitment filled with love and mercy and only then your children can enjoy a good start to life. In the same way, once you have a child you cannot bring them up alone. You need a mother and father to be present in the life of the child, physically and emotionally. Any compromise on this may leave the child more vulnerable.
According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. In all the conversations the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children's lives are being ignored. This is causing a huge problem in the lives of the children now and it is more likely to get worse in the longer run. Unless this is taken very seriously we are risking human race's future.
I am fully aware that in some cases misguided family courts, over zealous social services and anti-family policy makers are also influencing some of the policies of government and care agencies, in that process exacerbating the situation by pushing their own agenda and forcibly removing children from their natural parents or blocking access. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of "accessory parents," valued for their role as financial providers rather than as active caregivers. It is perfectly legitimate for intervention to take place when the child's welfare is at stake but this must be carried out by more family friendly policies, compassionate family court judges and sensible law enforcement agents. In all course the ultimate victim is the child. Without a father figure the child suffers many social and emotional problems.
A father should not be a secondary parent to his children. He must demonstrate keen interest to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be the core component of his self-identity. Being a father is not a label that you wear on your jacket or forehead, it is an active role that you play in the lives of your children. It is a gift from God for those who are prepared to throw themselves at the challenge and grow with their children in a safe and secure environment.
Parents are not supported as parents by our social institutions. Mothers in general suffer extraordinary hardship coping after divorce and often divorced fathers in particular are devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children's lives. One thing many people forget, you may divorce your wife or husband but you should never divorce your children.
Researchers have found that children without a father figure in their life, suffer results that are nothing short of disastrous including the following:
1. Diminished self worth and self respect - When the father is not involved in the life of the child, he or she feels abandoned, struggles with their emotions. They feel compromised in their physical and emotional security. They suffer from self-loathing and self hate.
2. Behavioral problems - fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behaviour problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness.
3. Truancy and poor academic performance - 71 per cent of secondary school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, maths and thinking skills; children from father absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.
4. Delinquency and youth crime - Children without their father is more likely to be involved in violent crime. Accordingly to research 85 per cent of youth in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail as adults.
5. Promiscuity and teenage pregnancy - fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with relationship with the opposite sex. have sexual health troubles and more likely to have sex before the age of 16, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infections. Girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers, egocentrically take it as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men.
6. Drug and alcohol abuse - Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and take drugs in their childhood as well as adulthood.
7. Suffer homelessness - 90 per cent of runaway children have an absent father.
8. Experience exploitation and abuse - fatherless children are at greater risk of suffering physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, being five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional mistreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse; a recent study reported that preschoolers not living with both of their biological parents are 40 times more likely to be sexually abused.
9. Suffer physical health problems - fatherless children report significantly more psychosomatic health symptoms and illness such as acute and chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and stomach aches.
10. Suffer from mental health issues - Fatherless children are consistently overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems, particularly anxiety, depression and suicide.
11. Diminished life chances - Fatherless children as adults are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social security and experience homelessness.
12. Struggle with future relationships - fatherless children tend to entre relationships earlier, are more likely to divorce earlier or dissolve their cohabiting relationship earlier and are more likely to have children outside marriage.
13. Higher rate of mortality - fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the life span compared to those children who had both parents present in their lives.
Given the fact that these and other social problems correlate more strongly with fatherlessness than with any other factor, surpassing race, social class and poverty, father absence may well be the most critical social issue of our time. The most important questions we need to resolve are how do we bring fathers to be more involved in the lives of their children and how can we avoid fatherlessness in the lives of a children?
If you are a father and you are together with your wife in a marriage please do not neglect your children because you are too busy working or running your business or chasing your personal thrills. Your children are chasing you now but you are too busy for them, however, there will come a time when you will be chasing your children but they will be too busy with their life. If you instill in them the value of parents now they will give you time but if you neglect them now, they too will ignore you when you are old and frail.
If you are divorced, you still must be a father in the lives of your children. You should arrange with your wife days when your children can stay with you. You can take full part in their lives. You can cook, eat and share the precious moments together. You can share stories, explore experiences and draw lessons of life together. You have fun as father with your children. You can help them navigate life and manage their challenges, expectations and dreams. You can be their best friend, counsel and role model.
If you are a woman who has broken up with your husband but have children together, please do not use your children as tools for bartering, scoring points or punishing him. He has every right to see and be with his children unless he has been convicted in a court of law for abuse. You have no right to use your children to blackmail your husband. You may have divorced each other but you can never divorce your children.
If adults who become parents behave like adults and take responsibility and promise to be true parents to their children, no one can change that. Fatherlessness is a recipe for disaster. Let us bring fathers back in the lives of our children.
(I have used the data and article by Dr Edward Kruk, Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of British Columbia, to inform and guide me in my article)
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-- Why do children from economically advanced nations rank low in social and emotional well being?
This is a question that has bothered me for ages. I came across many studies and expert writings on this topic. Recently someone I know attempted suicide and family have been pulling their hair out thinking why. I know another case where their young son run away only to be found dead. They want answers to what led their child to behave in such a destructive and fatal way. Child poverty and social class have been branded around as the key factor but I do not believe these are the major reasons why children take such drastic steps. Our children lack social and emotional intelligence due to some inconvenient truth that many in the developing nation are too selfish to hear and accept - absence of father in the lives of children.
You can be a brilliant single mother but I am afraid you are an exception rather than the norm. A child can not be naturally conceived by anyone alone, it requires a man and woman to create a safe space, have relationship of commitment filled with love and mercy and only then your children can enjoy a good start to life. In the same way, once you have a child you cannot bring them up alone. You need a mother and father to be present in the life of the child, physically and emotionally. Any compromise on this may leave the child more vulnerable.
According to the 2007 UNICEF report on the well-being of children in economically advanced nations, children in the U.S., Canada and the U.K. rank extremely low in regard to social and emotional well-being in particular. In all the conversations the prevalence and devastating effects of father absence in children's lives are being ignored. This is causing a huge problem in the lives of the children now and it is more likely to get worse in the longer run. Unless this is taken very seriously we are risking human race's future.
I am fully aware that in some cases misguided family courts, over zealous social services and anti-family policy makers are also influencing some of the policies of government and care agencies, in that process exacerbating the situation by pushing their own agenda and forcibly removing children from their natural parents or blocking access. More often than not, fathers are involuntarily relegated by family courts to the role of "accessory parents," valued for their role as financial providers rather than as active caregivers. It is perfectly legitimate for intervention to take place when the child's welfare is at stake but this must be carried out by more family friendly policies, compassionate family court judges and sensible law enforcement agents. In all course the ultimate victim is the child. Without a father figure the child suffers many social and emotional problems.
A father should not be a secondary parent to his children. He must demonstrate keen interest to experience both the joys and challenges of parenthood, derive satisfaction from their parental role, and consider active and involved fatherhood to be the core component of his self-identity. Being a father is not a label that you wear on your jacket or forehead, it is an active role that you play in the lives of your children. It is a gift from God for those who are prepared to throw themselves at the challenge and grow with their children in a safe and secure environment.
Parents are not supported as parents by our social institutions. Mothers in general suffer extraordinary hardship coping after divorce and often divorced fathers in particular are devalued, disparaged, and forcefully disengaged from their children's lives. One thing many people forget, you may divorce your wife or husband but you should never divorce your children.
Researchers have found that children without a father figure in their life, suffer results that are nothing short of disastrous including the following:
1. Diminished self worth and self respect - When the father is not involved in the life of the child, he or she feels abandoned, struggles with their emotions. They feel compromised in their physical and emotional security. They suffer from self-loathing and self hate.
2. Behavioral problems - fatherless children have more difficulties with social adjustment, and are more likely to report problems with friendships, and manifest behaviour problems; many develop a swaggering, intimidating persona in an attempt to disguise their underlying fears, resentments, anxieties and unhappiness.
3. Truancy and poor academic performance - 71 per cent of secondary school dropouts are fatherless; fatherless children have more trouble academically, scoring poorly on tests of reading, maths and thinking skills; children from father absent homes are more likely to play truant from school, more likely to be excluded from school, more likely to leave school at age 16, and less likely to attain academic and professional qualifications in adulthood.
4. Delinquency and youth crime - Children without their father is more likely to be involved in violent crime. Accordingly to research 85 per cent of youth in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail as adults.
5. Promiscuity and teenage pregnancy - fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with relationship with the opposite sex. have sexual health troubles and more likely to have sex before the age of 16, becoming teenage parents, and contracting sexually transmitted infections. Girls manifest an object hunger for males, and in experiencing the emotional loss of their fathers, egocentrically take it as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men.
6. Drug and alcohol abuse - Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and take drugs in their childhood as well as adulthood.
7. Suffer homelessness - 90 per cent of runaway children have an absent father.
8. Experience exploitation and abuse - fatherless children are at greater risk of suffering physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, being five times more likely to have experienced physical abuse and emotional mistreatment, with a one hundred times higher risk of fatal abuse; a recent study reported that preschoolers not living with both of their biological parents are 40 times more likely to be sexually abused.
9. Suffer physical health problems - fatherless children report significantly more psychosomatic health symptoms and illness such as acute and chronic pain, asthma, headaches, and stomach aches.
10. Suffer from mental health issues - Fatherless children are consistently overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems, particularly anxiety, depression and suicide.
11. Diminished life chances - Fatherless children as adults are more likely to experience unemployment, have low incomes, remain on social security and experience homelessness.
12. Struggle with future relationships - fatherless children tend to entre relationships earlier, are more likely to divorce earlier or dissolve their cohabiting relationship earlier and are more likely to have children outside marriage.
13. Higher rate of mortality - fatherless children are more likely to die as children, and live an average of four years less over the life span compared to those children who had both parents present in their lives.
Given the fact that these and other social problems correlate more strongly with fatherlessness than with any other factor, surpassing race, social class and poverty, father absence may well be the most critical social issue of our time. The most important questions we need to resolve are how do we bring fathers to be more involved in the lives of their children and how can we avoid fatherlessness in the lives of a children?
If you are a father and you are together with your wife in a marriage please do not neglect your children because you are too busy working or running your business or chasing your personal thrills. Your children are chasing you now but you are too busy for them, however, there will come a time when you will be chasing your children but they will be too busy with their life. If you instill in them the value of parents now they will give you time but if you neglect them now, they too will ignore you when you are old and frail.
If you are divorced, you still must be a father in the lives of your children. You should arrange with your wife days when your children can stay with you. You can take full part in their lives. You can cook, eat and share the precious moments together. You can share stories, explore experiences and draw lessons of life together. You have fun as father with your children. You can help them navigate life and manage their challenges, expectations and dreams. You can be their best friend, counsel and role model.
If you are a woman who has broken up with your husband but have children together, please do not use your children as tools for bartering, scoring points or punishing him. He has every right to see and be with his children unless he has been convicted in a court of law for abuse. You have no right to use your children to blackmail your husband. You may have divorced each other but you can never divorce your children.
If adults who become parents behave like adults and take responsibility and promise to be true parents to their children, no one can change that. Fatherlessness is a recipe for disaster. Let us bring fathers back in the lives of our children.
(I have used the data and article by Dr Edward Kruk, Associate Professor of Social Work at the University of British Columbia, to inform and guide me in my article)
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Allaah gives the best to those who leave the choice to Him."And if Allah touches you with harm, none can remove it but He, and if He touches you with good, then He is Able to do all things." (6:17)
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